#14 The 5 Stages of a lasting Friendship
On being a disciple and journeying with Jesus
Allow me to introduce you to Phil…
A man of quirks and unconventional tendencies, he is both lovable and memorable.
Many have been charmed, alarmed, or inspired by this one-of-a-kind individual in equal measure! Phil isn't one to hug or be hugged, and his catchphrase of "Don't touch me" is well-known among those who acquaint him. But don't be fooled – beneath his unusual exterior lies one of the kindest, most generous, and caring souls you'll ever meet.
During our complex relationship (dare I say friendship) that has lasted over a decade there have been plenty of twists and turns along the way.
So here are the five stages of my friendship with Phil.
My first encounter with Phil was through working with young people in an educational setting. At first, I wasn't particularly interested in getting to know him.
My initial impression was that he was an over-inflated children's worker with a sharp sense of humour and a plethora of slightly inappropriate jokes.
To be honest, there was some friction between us. Our big personalities and even bigger egos clashed on occasion. Phil often insisted on being referred to as nothing more than a colleague. I was quite happy to keep my distance.
But then, as time went on, several things made me curious about Phil…
Why was he so good at his job?
Why did so many people seem to love him?
Why was he so amazing at quizzes?
How did he know every Christmas number one for the last 30+ years running? (Seriously)!
I entered a season characterised by cautious optimism and a growing sense of inquisitiveness as we found out more about each other. Still, some friction remained.
Pic: Phil pointing to an image with the word Phil on it
At the end of a long overseas house building trip in Mexico with students, Phil and I sat down to eat at the airport whilst waiting for our flight. Little did I know that something significant was about to happen.
First Phil opens the conversation with a burger in hand…
“I almost quit my job because of you.”
Well, that’s one way to start your meal.
What followed was an honest, open conversation where Phil outlined some of the very clear and specific ways I hadn’t helped or got things right in several work/ personal related situations over quite a significant length of time.
The problem was this…
He was right.
I had to humble myself, say sorry, and realise that I needed to change.
You might say we left our excess baggage at the airport that day.
Pic: Phil shocked at our burgeoning friendship
Now we work and play scarily well together. I even once attended an Aston Villa game with him. It was lovely to google “What is football?” whilst sitting in a cold stadium full of swearing men. I wasn’t invited back.
Phil and I now go on regular walking adventures in our downtime. People ask me why I enjoy walking with him so much and I say it is like tuning into Radio Phil. We find a new place to hike, whether Cannock Chase, or Sutton Park, and then chat about everything and nothing. I just tune into Radio Phil and switch off. It is like talking therapy… except Phil does most of the talking.
During one recent jaunt, we tried to walk the 4 mile loop around a reservoir called Draycote Water. This should be a straightforward path, but as always with Phil and me, things went south pretty quickly. As we started the route, we noticed several warning signs urging us to turn back due to construction. We convinced ourselves we could beat the system and kept going until we saw a large crane blocking the path ahead.
Rather than turn back, we made the impulsive decision to venture off the grid and break into a farmer's field. What followed was 45 minutes of panic and bush gymnastics as we searched for a way back to civilisation, with Phil eventually tearing his coat on barbed wire and thorns. I helped by taking a photo.
Pic: Phil emerging from a thorny bush
It was my 40th Birthday (April 30th 2020) when I realised Phil had truly become someone worth sharing with others. Our friends, Kyle and Cory, had arranged an online charcuterie and cocktail making zoom party during the lockdown. Phil was meeting new people and making everyone laugh whilst engaging with his cheese board arrangement with passion.
“Who was that guy?” My friend Scott said at the end of the night. “I loved him!”
“Oh, that’s Phil,” I said in response. “He is the best!”
The ongoing saga of Phil and Dave continues as I now introduce other people to his brilliance.
Pic: Phil with a homeless man
The 5 Stages of a Spiritual Journey
You might think that this five part journey is unique but rather surprisingly this process and pathway can be similar to what it looks like when it comes to making a connection with God.
Through our journey to Jesus, we often move through 5 stages too:
STAGE 1: Not interested because of a poor first impression.
STAGE 2: Becoming curious to know more.
STAGE 3: Making a real connection (Saying sorry & making peace).
STAGE 4: Working and walking together.
STAGE 5: Including and involving others.
Tony Morgan is a Church strategist who regularly speaks about the 5 stages of a spiritual journey. They seem to mirror this path almost exactly. Morgan has shaped his strategic approach to disciple-making based on decoding the first steps he took on his own walk towards Christ;
“I started to look at my personal spiritual journey from a point where I wasn't interested or even aware of things related to faith. And then through a series of circumstances, I would argue, I became curious about faith and who Jesus was. And then eventually, I became a believer and then I was discipled, and then I became a disciple maker.”
Morgan then developed a discipleship pathway which marks five stages of maturity: (01) Not Interested (02) Spiritually Curious (03) Believer (04) Being discipled (05) Disciple Maker.
It might be an interesting exercise to trace your own spiritual journey and see how it fits into this framework.
Where are you now?
Was there any place where you were stuck for a while? How did you become unstuck?
Where do you want to get to next?
Now think about someone you are walking parallel with at the moment.
Where are they on their journey?
Are they uninterested or spiritually curious? How can you help them take the next step?
Are they a believer but not yet making disciples? How can you help them take the next step?
I believe this journey based approach and perspective is absolutely vital to disciple making. Whether finding Phil or finding God, some things take time.
As Tony Morgan says:
“Everyone is on a personal spiritual journey. Everyone has a next step they can take—no matter where they are on their spiritual path. So we need to get serious about helping people identify, understand, and take their next steps.”
This concept of the disciple’s journey reframes how we see both discipleship and evangelism as more of a continual spectrum rather than as separate disconnected activities. What if this whole “discipleship thing” is less about getting people to show up for events but all about helping people taking next steps through relationship?
P.S. I’m told Phil thinks there is a Stage 6 in friendship which is “Attend Quizzes” and he assures me I will never achieve this step. I continue to live in hope…
Brilliant read Dave! Love this