#37 What Ryan Reynolds taught me about discipleship

On being a disciple and real friendship

I was speaking at a men’s event last weekend and I started by sharing a quote I found online by Comedian John Mulaney…

“I think that's the greatest miracle of Jesus. He has 12 best friends in his thirties, and they weren't his wife's best friends' husbands.” 

Whilst the meme made me smile, the comments beneath it were no laughing matter. An endless stream of blokes were sharing the honest pain they felt from their lack of genuine friendship with others.

I have always felt very blessed by having great relationships, especially with other guys, but I know it is not the same for everyone. Despite having numerous online 'friends', research consistently indicates that an increasing number of men are grappling with loneliness. In a YouGov survey from the UK, nearly 20% of men acknowledged having no close friends, and about 1 in 3 stated they didn't have a best friend. Loneliness is linked to mental health issues; those frequently experiencing it are twice as prone to depression compared to those who don't.

One of the reasons men especially find it hard is that we tend to default to a set of cultural expectations about what it means to be a man. Science Direct refers to this as the concept of the “Man Box” which is defined as:

‘a rigid set of expectations, perceptions, and behaviours that are considered “manly” and/or a “real man's” behaviour, imposed on men by the society, such as superiority, cruelty, emotional suppression, lack of physical intimacy with other men, and expectations of socially aggressive and/or dominant behaviour.’

We tend to expect men to be powerful, dominating and fearless; always successful–in the boardroom, the bedroom, and on the ball field and battlefield. At the top of the list of manly traits aside from acting tough, never showing emotion, and always being in control? There’s the most toxic one of all: self sufficiency. 

Many men still feel pressured to live inside the “Man Box” which has an adverse effect on their relationships.

Breaking out of the box

Whilst not a fan of football myself (sorry to the rigid man box brigade), I am rather partial to watching Welcome to Wrexham on Disney Plus. This Docuseries chronicles the stewardship of Wrexham AFC, one of professional football's oldest clubs, by two Hollywood actors, Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenney.

In Season 1, Episode 17, Wromance, we see an inside look at the beginnings and dynamics of Ryan and Rob’s well-known friendship. This so called “love-story” is the core of the long-term work they are doing to transform an entire community in Wales.

Yet it is not overlooked by both Ryan and Rob that their relationship feels unusual in a society that prefers male competition over companionship. As Ryan notes in the episode:

“I've heard a lot of people refer to our relationship as a bromance. I find that fascinating. The definition of the word bromance is just... it's a platonic relationship between two men. There's no female equivalent to the term bromance. The female equivalent is friends. And so the fact that we need a term to describe two men going out to dinner, I think, is very revealing about what men are allowed or are not allowed to do, and how much self-policing there is when it comes to their relationships with other men.”

Rob too knows that their level of relationship is considered counter-cultural:

It's so funny, and so indicative of where we are as a culture now, that we have to use cute terms to define an intimate relationship between two men. I don't know why. I think maybe it's because it's easier for us to talk about it by making it sound a little bit more juvenile, or just cute and funny. So bromance is almost this permission for men to connect, and to show love to each other. Because it's like... it's like a joke.

I found this exchange fascinating as I have often found people say similar things to me about some of my close male friendships. Ryan Reynolds reminds us that it is okay for men to be real friends and not just deal friends. What if we created more space for men to form better lasting bonds and for the culture around them to encourage it?

That’s a lesson from Ryan and Wrexham we ought to welcome in the Church.

Real friends or deal friends?

"Real friends" are those genuine and authentic connections you have in your life. They care about you, support you through life’s ups and downs, and value your well-being beyond any transactional or superficial engagement.

Phil Knox, from the Evangelical Alliance, notes in his new book The Best of Friends just how potent these relationships really are: 

Friendship is astonishingly powerful. It has profoundly positive effects on our mental, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing.  Even if you eat badly, do no exercise, and neglect other areas of your physical health, but have good friends, you will live longer than someone who is socially isolated. It is better to eat kebabs with friends than salad on your own.

On the other hand, "deal friends" are more like acquaintances or relationships based on mutual benefit for a specific purpose. It is a relationship that helps you achieve a goal like advance your career or ministry. The connection might be more transactional, focused on exchanges or deals that bring some advantage to both parties, but the relationship itself often lacks depth and sincerity. Things tend to dissolve when the initial benefit or purpose fades.

Here’s a question worth considering: Do our church communities, programmes, and systems, foster more real or deal type of relationships? Are we more inclined to go deep or stay in the shallows?

Building authentic friendships among men involves intentional effort and genuine connection. It starts by showing up and speaking up. Conventional wisdom says this may look like:

• Getting involved in Church community.

• Attending Social Events.

• Engaging in sports, hobbies, or clubs.

• Joining work-related activities.

• Volunteering for something.

• Finding Online Communities.

• Going to a Networking Event.

• Joining a Class or Workshop.

But it is important to understand that “showing up” can be a challenge for many men because of all the baggage they have around close relationships. This is why we have to purposefully invite others into our circle. When men so often get offered a deal, we have to model something real.

Vulnerability x Time Spent = Depth of Friendship

(Healthline.com)

Real conversations often spring up in the in-between and informal spaces. They happen at a meal table, around a campfire, or on a car journey. This means we have to slow down and lower the level of our agenda if we are to be intentional about going deeper with people. We have to make it as easy as possible for people to feel like they belong.

We need to think outside the man box.

In a season when the church is called to focus more than ever on mission, evangelism, and discipleship, we need to remember that all these endeavours start with authentic relationships.

After all, how can we make disciples, if we can’t even make friends?

All Images: Copyright Welcome to Wrexham (Disney Plus/Hulu)