#10 How to Teach your Daughter to Drive
On being a disciple who supports new learners
The day my daughter Nyah turned seventeen was a mixed blessing.
After her traditional birthday breakfast was out of the way, she sidled up to me with a grin on her face and declared the words I had been dreading to hear: “Now you can teach me to drive!”
Driving lessons with Nyah were a mixture of a comedy show, a rollercoaster ride, and a horror movie. My wise friends would ask me what time we were going out so they could stay off the road. I said my last goodbyes to my wife every time we went for a drive!
Helping a new person get to grips with something you have been doing instinctively for years is always a challenge for both you and them.
This is the same when it comes to helping new Christians.
When people first come to faith, it is easy to assume they should know it all, get annoyed when they don’t get it right first time, or hope that someone else will take responsibility to support them. But as the saying kind of goes - “it takes a whole village to raise a disciple.”
So here are three lessons I picked up about ‘learning’ from my own “Daddy-Daughter Driving Disasters.” May they help as we seek to enable new Christians to move beyond first gear…
Actual Driving Lesson Footage ⬆️
DRIVING LESSON 1: Learning is Relational
After our fifteenth near-death experience, both Nyah and I were at the end of our tether. Wheels had been scraped. Relationships had been stretched. Here was the dilemma; how could I be her dad and driving instructor at the same time?
The solution was to come up with a pact.
So I informed Nyah, “I am happy to teach you, but we need to leave our relationship at the door.” I became Mr. Boden, and she became my student. This was the only tactic that got us through.
While this approach might almost work on the road, we can’t afford to leave our relationships at the door when it comes to helping new Christians.
In their fascinating book, The Other Half of Church1, which is about brain science and discipleship, Michel Hendricks and Jim Wilder, assert that;
“Developments in modern brain science have made it clear that any model of transformation and character change must be anchored in the development of a love bond with God and His people.”
This means that learning happens best in the context of trusted relationships. This is how me and Nyah really got through - we trusted each other.
Good instructors won’t just teach the theory, they will walk alongside students as they put it into practice. Whilst formal teaching settings are great for content impartation, it is life on life interactions that lead to character formation.
You might even say that spiritual growth happens at the speed of love.
This gives us food for thought; how are we helping new Christians feel loved even if we are not the one giving them direct instruction?
Actual Driving Lesson Footage ⬆️
DRIVING LESSON 2: Learning is Vocational
If you haven't done a Driving Theory test in a while, it is a fun/slightly worrying activity to retake one online. It reminds you how much head knowledge you have forgotten since you became a driver. You may be able to identify road signs, and tick all the right boxes, but this often has no bearing on reality. There is a big difference between knowing the highway code and driving on the road!
For example, a learner may understand the rules and safety procedures for driving on a motorway, but that is not even close to understanding what it feels like to join one from a slip road for the first time!
Learning is not something that just takes place in a school — it is vocational — or in other words it happens ‘on the job’.
A new Christian may know the rules and limits that God has given us to keep us safe, but that is not even close to understanding what it feels like to be tempted to go off-course for the first time. Will you be there for them when they do?
Actual Driving Lesson Footage ⬆️
DRIVING LESSON 3: Learning is Unconventional
Back in 1997, my Driving instructor gave me this task before I took the wheel for the first time….
Take a plate from your kitchen and sit on a chair.
Place your hands at the ‘10 to 2’ formation like they are positioned on a steering wheel.
Practice twirling the plate in a circular motion like you are driving.
So I practiced with that plate like crazy.
Then, during my first driving lesson we were traveling slowly down a country lane…
“Did you practice with the plate?” My instructor asked as we drove along.
“Yep,” I said, feeling like a model student.
Then I showed him what I had learnt by jerking the wheel back and forth in a sudden motion like a racing driver.
I immediately crashed the car into a ditch!
Lesson 1 over.
Learning is rarely linear. It goes up and down, round and round, and back and forth (like my daughter’s driving). It is two steps forward, three steps back (with a kerb nudge in the middle). A huge amount of unlearning needs to happen in order to make room for new habits, new pathways and new ways of thinking. This makes it messy.
I don't know how many times I had to pull the handbrake for Nyah because I saw something up ahead she couldn't quite see yet. But after a while, I had to learn to sit back and let her take the wheel. After all, she was the one in the driving seat, not me. This unconventional process takes unusual patience.
Never forget that you were a newbie once
Have you ever noticed how quickly newly qualified drivers get annoyed when they encounter a learner driver out in the wild? It doesn't take long to forget that feeling of being unsure about how to navigate in a straight line. As soon as they take off their own L Plates, I’ve observed people think they have the right to join the Horn Honkers Club!
How then do you stay humble as an instructor? Never take off your L Plates. Always remember a fellow believer is on the same journey as you.
When a person first becomes a Christian, they need more than a rulebook or a set of codes - they need a guide. The best lesson we could ever teach a new Christian is how to rely on the Holy Spirit - our ultimate instructor - the one who guides us through the roundabouts of spiritual growth.
How do you help a new Christian? Always rely on the Holy Spirit. Pray like crazy, take the risk, and be willing to go on a journey with them!
Ps: Could you do me a favour and share this post with someone you know will enjoy it today! 😊
Brave man!
Really good again Dave. So many memories come flooding back as I recall my and our experiences as learner drivers, and teaching our sons to drive! Andy bought me my provisional driving license at age 17, and taught me some basics - along with both my dad and my mum. It was all a bit confusing as I picked up bits from all, and got criticised for doing something, someone else had taught me!
A bit like discipleship in church, especially when no one person has come alongside the new disciple - they can pick up some unhelpful habits or not get the foundations in place. You’ve given me lots of food for thought here - thanks Dave.